Mel's Blog

The Beagle and End All

March 19, 2012 | Comments closed

I happen to think beagles are the best dogs ever, the best dogs in the universe. Like a tradesman with a nice smile, they are the perfect blend of cuteness and practicality.

You can put a sailor’s hat on them and they do not even care.

Lonely, Mel? What? No.

Unlike most of the men I meet in bars, beagles have jobs. What other dog has a job? Guide dogs? Sure, but beagles get to work at the airport, one of the most glamorous places ever.

Beagles are known for their sense of smell; they are commonly used at airports to detect drugs or fruit in luggage.

They’re also used at airports to detect the loneliness in 20-something column writers.

If I were an animal, I’d like to be a beagle. I’m quite similar to a beagle. They are easily distracted by smells around them, like me trying to read in a food court. They are also prone to weight gain – you’re preaching to the choir on that one, beagles.

The first time I met a beagle, it was quite unpleasant. I was returning home from a student exchange trip to Germany and unbeknown to me, my host mother had put a cake in my luggage as a surprise present. Surprise was the right word for it.

A sniffer beagle pounced on my carry-on bag. I was taken aside by Customs and asked to open my bag. Inside was a homemade German Christmas cake.

I then received a long talking to about the importance of protecting our citrus industry by two burly customs officer, as it was the citrus peel that alerted the beagle. Citrus peel has been ruining hot-cross buns for years and now it ruined my triumphant return from Germany.

They let me keep the cake, but I threw it in the nearest bin, mainly to impress the Customs people.

To this day I wish I had a beagle, or a cat, or a rock with eyes drawn on it.

So what I’m saying is, I really want a beagle. Did I say beagle? I meant baby.

As originally published in The Courier Mail

Dear Maggie Beer,

March 13, 2012 | Comments closed

Is this font ok? Is it too small? Would it be easier if I just came to the Barossa and read this to you myself? I promise not to bring Stephanie Alexander, do you have beef with her? I mean are you and her frienemies? Gosh can you tell I don’t talk to people over 70 much?

What I mean is, are you acquaintances with her, or because you both chase down the same segment of the ‘older ladies who say rustic all the time’ market are you not friends? I would get it if you and her weren’t friends, I have a similar thing with Abbie Cornish, we’re just too similar, which will be proved when we finally meet.

Maggie, have you ever had a rollup? No babes, not a rollmop, a rollup? I haven’t. Like Will and Grace mother forbids them in the house, no homo but, I have a business suggestion for you, ready? Are you sitting down on a piece of Barossa timber, crafted by a local Barossa artisan into an authentic, organic Barossa chair?

Ok then, here we go; you Ms Beer should make quince paste rollups. I expect at this point, due to the unrelenting excellence of this idea, that you’ve passed out and hit your Barossa head on an antique, pesticide free Barossa table, and you need some hormone free Barossa water splashed on your Barossa face. Are you back like fondue now? Rad.

You like it? I think the dried fruit snack market has been at a stand still since dried cranberries hit the scene in the 2000’s. Let’s revolutionize the adult, dried fruit market. Kids eat lunch sure, but so do adults and unlike kids, adults have jobs and care about phrases like, gluten free, free range and what’s our safety word again Derek?

Let’s dream big, just like you did, when you planted those quince trees all those years ago, let’s push the limits, like you do when you ask customers to pay upwards of $9 for 400ml of ice-cream. I like your ice-cream, but it’s ridiculously expensive, did you know that meth is cheaper than your ice-cream?

So do you see much of Simon these days? How’s his chunky bracelet collection going? Do say hi from me.

Hit me back babes,

Mel Buttle

Episode 15 of ‘The Minutes’ with Mel and Patience has dropped, with very special guest Alex Dyson from Triple J Breakfast! This episode is all about breaking the rules, we didn’t break one rule though, all guests must be awesome. Check! Alex told us two rad fight stories and talked us through his spaghetti Bolognese tips.

Download and subscribe iTunes Not iTunes

Deadly Funny Brisbane Workshops

March 13, 2012 | Comments closed

I’m really excited to be teaching this workshop to the mob in Brisbane, register and come along!

Buttle Theatre on Triple J with Tom and Alex

March 13, 2012 | Comments closed

The Time I Went to the Year 7 Dance

INT Night. Classroom.

Ms McCahon: Come and dance Melinda, you love Kriss Kross

Mel: Stop trying to make me enjoy my childhood Ms McCahon

Joanne, a student dances over to Mel

Joanne: Do you want to come and dance with us Mel?

Mel: Let my tensed limbs and wild eyes be your answer to that question Joanne

Joanne dances behind Mel, moving Mel’s limp arms to the beat

Joanne: Having fun now?

Mel: I’m currently employing Ghandi’s technique of non-violent, non-cooperation to make you stop, because like Nan’s kidney stone, this to shall pass

Joanne: You’re weird

Mel: DEERRRRR JOANNE!

A cool girl, Natalie, approaches Mel

Natalie: Um, what are you wearing?

Mel: Sorry I can’t hear you

Natalie: Do you know you look like shit?

Mel: I can’t hear you over the music

Natalie: You look shit!

Mel: It’s too loud I can’t understand you

Natalie leaves, then returns with a piece of paper on which she has written, ‘you look shit’ she holds it up in front of Mel, Mel closes her eyes shut

Natalie: Open your eyes and read it!

Mel: Sorry I just got something in my eyes I can’t open them

Natalie: You’re so weird

Mel: Sorry what’s that? Are you speaking? I can’t see or hear you

Natalie: Freak

DJ: Ferny Hills Primary how you doing tonight? Woo!

Natalie snatches the mic off the DJ

Natalie: Mel Buttle you look shit!!

Pastry

March 3, 2012 | Comments closed

I typed ‘patisserie’ into my car’s GPS, not ‘bakery’. I’d had enough of mock cream, artificial food colouring and teens calling out ‘can someone serve please’ in their best passive aggressive tone.

I needed more than a bakery, I’d had a bad week and wanted cream, custard or chocolate sliding down my gullet stat, no I’m not an emotional eater, I prefer to think of myself as the artistic director of a baked goods festival held in my car bi weekly.

It was Sunday afternoon, and I wanted a grown up pasty treat. Something you’d make in week three of Masterchef, something you’d see being ignored on the snack table at big corporate meetings, something that says, ‘Hey Mel, you’ve worked hard all week, so please enjoy this overpriced sugar high’.

At this point in the week I needed this treat more than oxygen, it had been an extraordinarily bad week, I’d put my back out, had an allergic reaction, and a general hopeless malaise had fallen over me. What’s the point of this again? Then I remembered, I have a car and money and I live in a town where they sell éclairs. That is the point of all this.

I arrived at a patisserie that I’d never been to before, I leapt out of my car and scanned the front window, and like a mother picking her child out of a crowd I found what I wanted in record time. Quicker than you can say Lean Cuisine I was inside the shop, ‘Hi how can I’ the cashier said, I cut him off, ‘Éclair Please! ’ I said with all the charm and warmth that doctors bark ‘scalpel’ with.

Soon it was within my grasp, $5.90 and four seconds later I was in the car looking for a second location that I could take this éclair to, to slam it down fast. I choose a secluded side street, not much foot traffic and elderly residents. Old people don’t judge, they don’t jog and they don’t judge, I love them. Also, it should be said here, I don’t think $5.90 is an appropriate price for an éclair, unless said éclair needs to be transported on roof racks or weighs more than a sausage dog.

Handbrake on, mouth agape, I was seconds from bliss, that’s when I saw it, banana, inside the éclair! The inside of éclairs is home of two things only, custard or cream. I couldn’t believe it, what kind of baker would do this to me? It was like when mum used to put grated carrot in lasagne.

The banana was sliced up and had been coated in some form of sugar syrup, a feeble attempt at justifying the banana’s place in this dessert item. I liked it when banana’s were $14 a kilo there were no banana’s in éclairs back then, those were the days.

Of course, I still ate the éclair, and somewhat enjoyed it, I’m not one of those super fussy people, but I do like treats to be treats and in my book this means I shouldn’t be getting any of my two and five while I’m trying to give myself blocked arteries.

I guess this is what happens when you try to live above your station in life, next time I’ll just have a vanilla slice and a chocolate breaka with the tradies at my local bakery.

As originally published in The Courier Mail

It’s out! Ep 3 of You’re Welcome with Mel and Patience has dropped! Patience and Mel love to give advice, no problem too big or small, listen in as we answer listeners questions with as much expert knowledge as Gayle or Dr Phil’s wife. itunes not itunes

You’re Skitting Me

February 28, 2012 | Comments closed

Building on the traditions of The Late Show and Fast Forward, You’re Skitting Me is a new edgy 13 x 24 minute Australian sketch comedy series aimed at children from 10-15 years.

You’re Skitting Me was written by a combination of some of Australia’s most experienced comedy writers including Mark O’Toole (Full Frontal, John Safran’s Music Jamboree, Spicks and Specks) and Ray Matsen (Full Frontal, Kath and Kim, Hamish and Andy) along with some of the newest rising-star writers, including Mel Buttle.

Check out episode 1 on Wednesday February 29 at 7.30am on ABC 3.

‘Internet Speak’ is a sketch submitted for ‘You’re Skitting Me’ by Mel Buttle.

Buttle Theatre on Triple J with Tom and Alex

February 28, 2012 | Comments closed

‘Droving The Parsnips West’

A piece of traditional ye olde Australian Theatre

DAYTIME EXT. In the outback

Lizzy and her Dad are planting parsnips

Lizzy: Do you ever wish that we were rich Dad, like the Mango farmers who own that property, ‘Dressing Ranch’? I saw them eating damper with lambs kidneys and it weren’t even no one’s birthday!

Dad: Lizzy I know you’re only 8, but we’re not out here for a knees up, sorry to give you an ear bashing but I’m flat out like a lizard drinking here, now back to work you larrikin

Lizzy: Why don’t people buy our parsnips Dad? Why do we bother planting them?

Dad: Because right before my Dad died in the war, he had trench foot in mouth disease and the old battler had more shrapnel in his backside than a Roo eating a prize pumpkin, the last words he uttered were, you can’t eat mangoes for dinner

Lizzy: What a crackerjack yarn Dad! Do you wish I was a boy?

Dad: No, I wish you were a parsnip so I could sell you for 79 shillings hay penny nine pence a bushel and buy myself one of these apples I’ve been hearing so much about

Lizzy: What’s the big smoke like Dad?

Dad: The city is different; a girl your age would be in school, you’d be holding a pencil instead of a parsnip, and they pay for things with money instead of sugar rations

Lizzy: Sounds horrible

Dad: That’s enough gasbagging, you’ll have to be in bed at 4pm if you’re going to get up at midnight to milk those cows by 2am

ENDS.

You gotta know when hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…

February 27, 2012 | Comments closed

Know when to launch greeting cards illustrated by John Patterson based on tweets by Mel Buttle? Oh don’t you worry Kenny Rogers we know that time is now!

John and Mel are putting their cards on the table, these cards, and hopefully on your table. We’ve designed this original, cute as a button lil greeting card featuring dogs in costumes, (no,you’re welcome) which is now available for sale online through Sniffleco

This unique Patterson/Buttle creation is a perfect birthday card/get well soon card/thank you card. Get one for people you like/love/want to do kissing with. Get one for Nan to put on her fridge, tell her you drew it, we don’t care! Get one for Aunty Rhonda to pretty up her dolphin figurine-clad mantlepiece. Get one for Uncle Mick, he won’t get the Nicki Minaj reference and then who’ll be top dog? You.

This is John

John is really ace at art and craft, he has created artwork for The Grates album covers and even designs his own cool brooches for Sniffleco including his smash hit Woody Allen brooch.

This is Mel

Mel has been writing jokes on twitter since, like 2009, and like people, like retweet them and stuff, so like yeah, she’s like pretty qualified. Mel has written jokes for the new ABC 3 Kids Sketch Show ‘You’re Skitting Me‘, had humorous essays published in Madison Magazine and The Courier Mail and writes the infamous ‘Buttle Theatre’ for Triple J with Tom and Alex every Tuesday.

Like Captain Planet, John and Mel combined their powers of illustration and jokes and made these cards for you. This is a limited edition run of 25 cards only, and each card comes signed on the back by John Patterson and Mel Buttle.

Get yours now! ME WANT ONE!

Why don’t we do it the other way around, why doesn’t Mel illustrate one of John’s tweets? Because it would look like this


Mrs Eyeball shows her support/indifference for our new project.

SNIFFLECO

Slow Lane

February 24, 2012 | Comments closed

I could swim when I was two and a half years old: and so marks the conclusion of Bragfest 2012. Please collect your gift bags in the foyer.

I suppose it wasn’t real swimming in the Dawn Fraser sense, it was more that I was able to keep myself afloat on the pool steps. Speaking of Dawn Fraser, have you ever seen her and Maggie Beer in the same room at the same time?

Didn’t think so.

I’ve always loved water, and it loves me, just check out the water retention on my third chin.

When I was three, I climbed over our backyard pool fence by myself. Dad, furious yet somewhat proud of my successful break-and-enter, rang the pool fence company to give them an earful, but instead he learnt about the subtle differences in meaning between the words “childproof” and “child safe”.

Of course he was amazed that I was able to get over such a big fence at the age of three, a chair plus determination equals pool party for one quicker than you can say Laurie Lawrence.

I remember my first swimming lesson: I was two, I played with toys on The Gap Swim School’s pool step, with a man called Garry, while he poured water over my head and my parents clapped and smiled.

“She loves water Garry, I don’t know why she’s crying,” said Dad. He was right. I did love water, but I didn’t like Garry. Stop tipping water on my head Garry, and wax your back please.

During this swimming lesson I realised if you asked to go to the toilet you were allowed to get out of the pool.

So I told Garry that I needed to go to the toilet, a blatant lie. Ten minutes later I was caught hiding out in the change room by Mum and dragged back for more water torture with Garry.

Regardless of my false start with Garry, I went on to do a lot of competitive swimming. This was before the invention of full body suits. In my day you swam in your rainbow-coloured Speedos with a thick rubber bathing cap filled with talcum powder shoved hard over your head by a parent telling you not to whinge if they hurt your hair.

A Queensland childhood is 80 per cent swimming and 20 per cent waiting until your lunch has “settled” so you can get back in the pool.

In high school we did a lot of swimming lessons in PE. It was preparation for the swimming carnival, which was always held at the beginning of term one each year. I can’t think of a better get-to-know-you activity for teenagers than pitting them against one another in a sporting contest that requires them to expose their rapidly changing bodies to the blazing sun while wearing lycra.

As a teenager, I spent Friday nights at the Grovely Swimming Club. My main interest was the canteen and getting out of watching Burke’s Backyard with mother.

One Friday night the boys’ relay team was one person short. I’ll never forget Dad taking me over to the swimming coach and saying: “Melinda is the fastest girl with a boys haircut, put her in the boys race.”

I, of course, swam the race. I came second, but my self-esteem finished last.

As originally published in The Courier Mail

Episode 14 of ‘The Minutes’ with Mel and Patience has dropped, it’s out and proud right now. We’ve rung the dinner bell and served up another steaming bowl of Mel and Patience goodness. We talked about how we don’t know much about the news. A word from our sponsor, moist towelettes- a radio play. Special Guests Comedians Henry Stone and Damien Power from Skills in Time. The boys tell us fight stories! Download and subscribe iTunes Not iTunes

Episode 14 All Stars: L-R Mel Buttle, Damien Power, Patience Hodgson, Henry Stone

The Minutes Podcast Episode 15!

February 23, 2012 | Comments closed

Episode 15 of ‘The Minutes’ with Mel and Patience has dropped, with very special guest Alex Dyson from Triple J Breakfast! This episode is all about breaking the rules, we didn’t break one rule though, all guests must be awesome. Check! Alex told us two rad fight stories and talked us through his spaghetti Bolognese tips.

Download and subscribe iTunes Not iTunes

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