Mel’s Blog | Mel Buttle

Buttle Theatre on Triple J Breakfast with Tom and Alex

February 7, 2012 | Comments closed

‘The Time Dad Got a Mobile Phone’

INT DAY The Shops

(Listener) Sales Person: Here you go, one mobile phone, on a $4 monthly plan and no charger because you want to save money and try and make one yourself from the kettle cord have a nice day sir

Dad: Thanking you, look what I bought Melinda!

Mel: You don’t need a phone Dad, you said all you need to communicate with the world is a flare and a compass

Dad: I want to check my emails

Mel : The only people who email you are the John Williamson Fan Club and me, and I only forward you the John Willamson Fan Club newsletter

Dad: Just show me how to send an email

Mel: Ok sure, why isn’t it connecting to the internet?

Dad: Oh I didn’t get any data in my plan, I’m not a bloody millionaire

Mel: I think you’d be just as amused by a sock with buttons sewn it on for eyes

Dad: What? So how do I make a video call?

Mel: Dad phones are hard work, don’t you have enough on your plate, you’ve just started to get your head around vegetarian lasagne

Dad: I taught you how to swim, ride a bike and to diagnose Malaria in guinea pigs, now show me how to do a VHS call

Mel: Dad, you don’t know how to mute the TV, video calls are too advanced for you

Dad: I do know how to mute the TV, I just prefer to pressing the volume button down 32 times, it’s good exercise for my fingers.

Mel: That’s what she said

Dear Sizzler,

February 6, 2012 | Comments closed

Hey Sizzle Cats,

Just wanted to let you know about the pleasant experience I had at Sizzler Carindale, when some friends and myself chose to get our eat on there for din dins on Friday. How good was it? Really good. Like I didn’t even get stomach cramps on the car trip home good. We chose Sizzler as we were marking a special occasion, and wanted to commemorate this event by eating til it hurts, much the same way Gina Reinhart celebrates Tuesdays.

My friends and I were very impressed to see the famous Sizzler customer service experience begins when you step foot inside the store, and not just when you plonk your Millers Capri Pant clad arse down at a table. Even before our orders were taken, as we were excitedly waiting in the line, staring in awe at the menu board, pointing and shouting at things we wanted like poorly behaved children out with their step dad, a Sizzler staff member brought everyone in the line some complimentary cheese toast while we waited.

It was a delicious treat, for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone in saying this, cheese toast is one of the most favorable aspects of a meal at Sizzler, second only to judging others on their life choices. If cheese toast was a facebook group, I wouldn’t just press ‘like’, I’d write to Facebook management asking where the ‘love’ button is, as ‘like’ doesn’t adequately express how I feel about cheese toast. Although, my desire to have a cheese toast cake at my wedding is not why I’m emailing you.

This email is about two things, Bree from the Carindale store and sauce. Let’s begin, my friends and I were really impressed by the service we received from the front desk cashier who took our orders. Her name is Bree and she is a delightfully friendly young lady who went out of her way during the busy dinner rush to exceed our expectations.

Let me run you though exactly how she did this, so you can train new employees to be like Bree too, maybe you’ll call it the Bree method? I’ll leave the naming of that with you. Here are some suggestions to get you started, ‘If you can’t camembert bad service ask Bree’, or ‘Making Good Service A Bree-ze’, you’re very welcome.

One of my dinner companions, my friend John, ordered the Malibu Chicken with his salad bar, and at a price of just $3 more than the dinner salad bar, why wouldn’t you? Just $3 extra for a whole meal that comes with chips too? John is a savvy cat, and snapped this deal up quicker than you can say, ‘they’re out of apple crumble’.

As much of a fan as I am of the Sizzler Corporation as created by Del and Helen Johnson, on a side note what is Del short for? Maybe now Del’s a big time businessman, maybe he could buy himself a real name? Like Lenard or Frank.

Anyway, moving on, I do find it inconsistent that customers can get a meal made of an animal and cooked by a person for $3 extra, but the all you can drink soft drink option is $3.95 extra? How is it possible that sugar flavored water requiring little labor is 95 cents more than a chicken meal? I’ll leave that with head office. Put that on the agenda for your next Team Leaders Meeting.

Back to the chicken, John had a question for future employee of the month winner, Bree about his meal. John asked Bree what the yellow sauce is that comes with the Malibu Chicken meal? Bree told us it was a special secret sauce and that it was delicious. Her mystery just intrigued us more, like a youtube video of a basset hound running, she now had our full attention.

She then told us a Sizzler insider secret that this special Malibu sauce tastes delicious when teamed with Honey BBQ Sauce. She asked if John would like to try this special sauce combo with his meal, John, like anyone with high level commonsense and an operational mouth, he said yes. How could you say no to Bree? To that face? I don’t think so mister. Impossible. Also, Bree had cool glasses that made me want to be friends with her, mainly to invite her too a sleep over, so I could steal her glasses while she slept and tell her a rat ate them.

Within good time, John’s meal was served and of course Bree was spot on, Malibu sauce with Honey BBQ sauce was delicious. My other dinner companion, my friend Patience and I were dipping John’s chips into his sauce and commenting on how delicious this was. It really was a highlight of the evening. I do feel for John though, who due to this delicious sauce got 1/3 of the chips, he by law, was rightfully entitled too, his chip consuming levels that night were down due to Patience and myself scavenging off his plate, like pigeons when someone drops a sausage roll.

But it doesn’t end there, like Larry Emdur’s teeth, yes there’s more. As we were finishing up our desserts which, Sizzler employee should swing by our table to ask if John enjoyed his special sauce combo and his Malibu chicken? None other than front desk superstar Bree, she checked in with us to see that everything was ok, before she left to go home that night. Tick. Bree. Motherfucking tick.

As she departed our company, I wondered what the rest of Bree’s night had in store for her? My guess is that following her nightly shifts at Sizzler, she has to quickly run inside her house after exiting her car, to avoid her meat scented hair attracting the attention of dogs in her neighborhood. I then predict Bree has a long shower, watching the shower floor although she is no longer surprised when bacon bits she didn’t know were on her person fall from her body and are guided down the drain by the fast flowing water. I’m not sure what she’d do after a shower, probably facebook and writing in her self esteem journal like the rest of us.

Yours Truly,

Mel

P.S. Attached is my impression of your Sizzler Indonesian Brown Rice Salad, it’s not as good as yours.

Sizzler’s Reply:

Hi Melinda

Thank you for your email regarding your recent visit to our Carindale restaurant.

We are absolutely delighted to hear that you had such an enjoyable visit, largely thanks to the excellent service you received from Bree! I will ensure that your compliments are passed on to Bree and the Restaurant Management Team.

We also hope that you can continue to enjoy our Indonesian Rice Salad on future visits to Sizzler (although it looks as though you have just about got our recipe figured out J)

Thank you once again for taking the time to contact us and for allowing us the opportunity to congratulate our staff on your behalf.

Kind Regards
Marissa

Dear Nigella,

February 6, 2012 | Comments closed

Dear Nigella Lawson,

I am writing to express my extreme respect for your work, the cooking of food along with the wearing of lovely sweaters and saying of big words is not an easy feat, however you totally nail it gurl!

I’ve chosen the incorrect spelling of girl there to appear more playful and informal. That was not a typo or a reflection on my education. I’m trying to appear casual and not nervous, spelling ‘gurl’ that way was a bold move on my behalf and I do hope this small window into my comical personality has won your attention, not least, ensured you’ll read on.

I’m assuming you’re still reading this because I’ve already dropped one of your signature catchphrases, ‘not least’. You say it heaps gurl! Sorry, I’m nervous. You say ‘not least’ as much as you want, do not think we, the viewing public want to hear less of those two words. Can I check in with you, how are we feeling about me calling you ‘gurl’? That’s the last one, I promise.

I love your pantry, (not a metaphor), it’s got a light and you can walk right into it. My mum’s pantry, (yes I live at home) the handle has fallen off and wont go back on, so now we have to bend down to the gap between the floor and the pantry door, squeeze a finger in the space and open it that way (not a metaphor).

Our pantry smells like dead moths, I imagine yours smells of cinnamon. Sometimes I try and guess what your hair would smell like, my best guess is Chorizo. I used to wonder if you were sponsored by Chorizo, as in your early work you put it in everything. I really hope you’re listed on Chorizo’s Wikipedia page as an early supporter, responsible for its successful launch outside of countries that have siestas and allow dogs in airports.

For Christmas 2001 I requested and was given a mezzaluna, because I, like you wanted to chop herbs with gay abandon, then tumble them over food while telling everyone how rustic it was. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up looking like a younger more eczema afflicted version of you, because my mezzaluna made all the herbs stick to it, and trying to get herbs off a two blade mezzaluna without blood being spilled was impossible. My mezzaluna sits in the drawer, hardly used. Is there a secret to these things, do you grease the blade? I went back to the less cool knife method of herb chopping, unless it’s basil, then like a skinny bitch giving birth I just tear it.

One of my favourite bits of your show is when the credits roll you make yourself a midnight snack, I also use the fridge light to illuminate the kitchen when I get up to take a sleeping pill which I hide in a brownie chunk and swallow it down while rubbing my throat, as if I were a cat being wormed. I don’t swallow the pill down with water as I worry I’ll need to wee, but be too groggy to get to the toilet and will piss the bed. More stress! I don’t take sleeping pills often, only when I get restless leg syndrome or I can’t sleep because I had a stress nap at 4pm after incorrectly picking the winner of Ready Steady Cook.

After wooing you with my tales of my shambolic personal life, I am wondering if you are in the market for an anxious best friend with allergies? Who isn’t! However, should you turn me down I wouldn’t be too sorely disappointed, I would just work my way down my the ‘meeting new people’ list I made with my counsellor, and send a letter to Nicki Minaj or Betty White.

PS I see we’re both born in January, joint party at yours?

Yours sincerely

Mel Buttle

NEWS FLASH!
I was incredibly honored to receive a direct message on Twitter from Ms Nigella Lawson herself, with regards to this blog:

Birthday

February 3, 2012 | Comments closed

This week I turned thirty and if you’ll indulge me I’d like to run you through my impression of a speech Dad gave at my birthday party.

‘Melinda it’s a surprise that someone with your fun crippling allergies has made it this far, some say a life without eggs is no life at all, yet you’ve pushed on through a life deprived of pavlova and for that I applaud you. No Christine don’t worry I won’t mention her neck eczema, calm down woman.

Mel, like her mother Christine has always been behind the eight ball of life, slow to make friends, even slower at maths and struck down with red curly hair. Despite these obstacles somehow Mel managed to get through her school days and enter university, I’m not sure if they gave her some kind of compassionate scholarship after the orange shorts and floral hat she wore on the first day, but four years later probably due to a processing error, they gave Mel a teaching degree. Which she has used less than the treadmill I got for her thirteenth birthday. Promptly after draining the family’s resources during her university years, Mel decided that full time teaching was not for her.

After trying teaching for three months, Mel ate her way through a buffet of other careers yet nothing was to her taste. Except this comedy business, which to be honest I can see the appeal, she gets up at noon and in exchange for telling rude jokes in pubs she gets free soft drink, if only banks would accept mortgage repayments in Fanta instead of money, she’d be set for life.

Are you going to put this in one of your little skits Melinda? She probably will, gets all her talent from her Dad. I used to tell jokes on the HMAS Curlew all the time, this is a good one, there once was a man from, yes alright Christine, come see me in the laundry if you’re over twenty one and want to hear the end of that one.

I thought she’d end up as a dentist, she was obsessed with teeth as a child, she found false teeth at the dump and kept them for years, you still got those teeth Melinda? Probably does.
Christine do you remember when she used to stick her bottom jaw out like a bulldog all the time! Looked bloody terrible didn’t it, her mother and I thought she had mental problems, but thankfully she grew out of that stage and, unfortunately the wanting to be a dentist stage, which is a shame as I would’ve loved a jetski.

As you can see from her costume tonight Mel has always been a huge fan of the TV show The Golden Girls, no? It’s not a costume? As you see my from Mel’s outfit tonight she has an outstanding sense of humour, going to any length to provide entertainment for others. That’s the fashion is it? Well I’m no Calvin Klein but in my day, that amount of material would’ve been a tea towel, not a dress Melinda.

Yes alright Christine pop the cheerios on, I’m nearly finished, so in conclusion well done Mel on making thirty, when I was thirty I had my own home, a baby and was a chef at a major hotel in Brisbane, but I hear you’re very popular on the internet so I guess that counts for something these days’ said Dad.

As originally published in The Courier Mail

Best Dog Costumes

February 2, 2012 | Comments closed

John Patterson from The Grates illustrated one of my tweets!

YOU’RE WELCOME with Mel and Patience

February 2, 2012 | Comments closed

Since the invention of problems in 1967 people have needed advice, and when it comes to advice, like presents, Mel and Patience firmly believe it’s better to give than receive, thus ‘You’re Welcome’, Mel and Patience’s advice podcast was born.

‘You’re Welcome’ is a spin off from our original podcast offering ‘The Minutes’. ‘You’re Welcome’ is a shorter, snappier, podcast with a simple mission, to give advice to those asking.

With a banging custom theme song from John Patterson of ‘The Grates’, it’s no surprise ‘You’re Welcome’ debuted at #2 on the iTunes comedy chart and #2 overall in iTunes! Whatever though, no big deal, we’re still Jenny from The Block. Don’t be fooled by the rocks, that we’ve got, yeah IN OUR IGNEOUS ROCK COLLECTION!

Bragfest over, every bit as entertaining as it is educational, ‘You’re Welcome’ is advice for you about anything and everything, no problem is too big or small. ‘You’re Welcome’ is part common sense, part gigglefest. You talk, we listen, then we talk, then you listen to us talking about you. Hakuna Matata.

So how does it work? Well, our rad az listeners submit questions for us to answer, via our Tumblr Ask A Question or our twitter accounts. Who are we to be giving out advice to others, who do we think we are Dr Phil’s wife?

Mel is an expert at being a person, she’s survived full time office jobs, the Australian comedy circuit, living at home, being a redhead and allergies. Unlike Mel, Patience has met boys, goes outside and has spent years touring the world as a rock muso. A savvy homemaker and cat owner Patience brings a wealth of real life experience to the table, while Mel proudly recounts things she’s heard people with boyfriends say on the bus, together, we’re at least as qualified to give advice as Rose from The Golden Girls or Oprah.

Our debut episode available now on iTunes attempts to solve the following problems; should you follow someone back on twitter if they ask you to? How do you tell someone you want to pash them? Can you over-coddle a dog? Should you work for the government or stay at uni? I don’t want to be an introvert how does one change? A guy asked for my number but hasn’t called? Advanced Twistie Management. Tickling, rad or bad? Burnt out teacher seeks new career.

Thanks to everyone who has downloaded and supported us with The Minutes, we really hope you’re going to heart You’re Welcome.

‘You’re Welcome’ is released every fortnight on Thursday, just like old mate ‘The Minutes’. Listen to Episode 1 of ‘You’re Welcome’ here iTunes Non iTunes

Buttle Theatre ‘The Time It Was My Birthday’ on Triple J with Tom and Alex

January 31, 2012 | Comments closed

INT NIGHT Patience from The Grates Lounge room

Mel’s birthday party is in full swing, Mel is by the food table trying to impress boys

Wil: Great party Mel, hey haven’t you had enough chips?

Mel: I’ll stop when the ambulance needs to borrow a sling from the aquarium to take me to the toilet, woo high five!

Patience: This party is going really well Mel

Mel: Thanks Patience, apart from Aunty Debbie’s wake this is the best party I’ve ever been to

Wil: So Mel, I’m really enjoying talking to you, could we have a coffee sometime?

Mel: I don’t have time for a boyfriend, these cats don’t teach themselves jazzercise

Patience: Mel do you want another drink?

Mel: Switching from my reading glasses to my distance glasses makes me feel sick Patience. Another drink? Who do you think I am Courtney Love?

Wil : So Mel as I was saying I’ve done 9 years of karate, 5 years of judo and 2 years of pilates

Mel: I’ve done 29 years of not being a boring douche, high five, woo!

There’s a knock at the door

Tom: This is your party captain speaking, seatbelts on everyone as we’re about to touch down in crazytown!

Mel: Tom Ballard’s here everyone, hey everyone Tom Ballard’s at my party, did I mention Tom’s here?

Tom: Mel you need to calm down

Mel: I’m genetically predisposed to over indulge in alcohol, if my DNA could talk it’d say, ‘What’re you looking at?!’

Tom: Happy Birthday pretty lady

Mel: YOU ARE!

ENDS.

Bread

January 28, 2012 | Comments closed

I’m making my own bread. This is something that initially sounds quite impressive, like when someone tells you they’re learning Spanish or they’ve swallowed their chewing gum.

However, you shouldn’t be impressed that I’m making my own bread. No, seriously, tone it down. You’re embarrassing me.

Sure I make bread, but turn away now Jamie Oliver, it’s with the help of a packet bread mix and a breadmaker. Don’t worry, I’m well aware this is cheating. I told you not to be impressed.

Making bread in a breadmaker is ridiculously easy. It’s so simple a chimp could do it – nay, a chimp would be smart enough to see the process for what it is, realise it’s just adding an unnecessary middle man to the process of getting bread, and return to buying bread from the shops like everyone else.

I bought the breadmaker because I like to think I’m getting back to the old ways and being rustic.

Yes, I’m one of those 20-somethings who cling to buzz words such as organic, free range and Bieber. Apart from giving me something to talk about loudly in cafes in the hope of gaining some culinary cred, homemade bread is also part of my frugal living plan. I bought the breadmaker to save money; I should break even some time in my late 70s.

The breadmaker was an impulse buy. I went to the shops to get a blouse and left with a breadmaker.

Surprisingly, I don’t really eat bread. Like most Gen Y women, I’m petrified of carbs. I have a friend who once described eating pasta for dinner as “committing carb-icide”. She then told me that Oprah never eats carbs after noon and consumes no food at all after 6pm. I informed her that Oprah is a size 16. We decided that all hope was lost, and had a brownie each.

Like eating brownies, having a breadmaker allows me to feel more like Nigella Lawson. I probably could’ve achieved this feeling more cost-effectively by reciting a string of complicated adjectives when describing mashed potato.

Nigella Lawson is a heroine of mine. I have the greatest respect for her, mainly because she often closes her TV show by eating cold chicken directly from her fridge with her fingers, while still looking like Betty Page. Well, Betty Page in a terry towelling dressing-gown with chicken stains on it, to be precise.

Thanks to the breadmaker, I now have a fuller appreciation of the saying, “the best thing since sliced bread”. If you’ve never sliced bread, please try. It’s very tricky, like surgery or touch-typing. When I slice bread, the slices turn out thick, thin, thick, thin. They vary in size more than Kirstie Alley’s waistline.

Back to the breadmaker. It’s all in the name. It does what it says – it makes bread. It doesn’t make great bread or tasty bread, but it does make bread.

I think my dad said it best when he tasted my second attempt at homemade bread. “That’ll make good toast,” he said as he mimed having a broken jaw from chewing it.

Ending up as toast must be really upsetting for bread, like when meat ends up as Spam, or when your kids enrol to do an arts degree.

As originally published in The Courier Mail

Episode 12 of ‘The Minutes’ with Mel and Patience has dropped! In this episode we talk all things primary school; Mel buried a biscuit in the playground. Patience changed schools after cracking it at the principal. Mel worked at vacation care at a primary school, surprises can be scary for some kids. Both our Dad’s ran child safety seminars with us. Mel had a friend over in primary school; the grass was never the same. Patience went to a friend’s house and overheard the parents having a sex argument. Mrs Eyeball update. Barry Buttle had a fight on the streets of Melbourne. Special guest Kate Cooper from An Horse! Kate tells us a fight story and what it was like performing on Letterman.Seja Vogel from Regurgitator drops in for a surprise visit! Mel shows off her year 9 German. Download and subscribe iTunes Not iTunes

Collage!

January 27, 2012 | Comments closed

My birthday present from Patience from The Grates! She made it herself #poolroom

My birthday present from Mrs Eyeball!

The Minutes Podcast Episode 12!

January 26, 2012 | Comments closed

Episode 12 of ‘The Minutes’ with Mel and Patience has dropped! In this episode we talk all things primary school; Mel buried a biscuit in the playground. Patience changed schools after cracking it at the principal. Mel worked at vacation care at a primary school, surprises can be scary for some kids. Both our Dad’s ran child safety seminars with us. Mel had a friend over in primary school; the grass was never the same. Patience went to a friend’s house and overheard the parents having a sex argument. Mrs Eyeball update. Barry Buttle had a fight on the streets of Melbourne. Special guest Kate Cooper from An Horse! Kate tells us a fight story and what it was like performing on Letterman. Seja Vogel from Regurgitator drops in for a surprise visit! Mel shows off her year 9 German. Download and subscribe iTunes Not iTunes

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