From the Desk of The Hon. Mel Buttle

Federal Ministerial Advisor to Julia Gillard PM

PO BOX 67

BRISBANE QLD 4001

“ It’s different when we call each other that”.

Dear Ms Gillard,

Firstly, I wish to congratulate you on your recent appointment to the role of Prime Minister, I guess passing around a do you like Julia Yes, No, Maybe note really paid off.  Props to you.  You are Miranda to Australia’s Carrie. But it’s not all going to be brunches with your three friends talking about thrush.  I predict tough times ahead.

Julia, let me speak frankly, there are haters out there who want to bring you down, based simply on the fact that you are a ranga.  Yes I said it, but IDWWCEOT (It’s Different When We Call Each Other That). As a lifelong redhead I’m sure this is not news to you.  I want to stop Australia from sippin’ on that red haterade. You are a Blood to Australia’s Crips. Julia, when you call the election, there’s gonna be a throw down, and there’s gonna be a hoe down, and I don’t want that hoe to be you.

Therefore, I am writing to offer my services to you, as a ranga expert, I’ve got a degree in deflecting ranga based insults from the University of your mum’s a ranga (see what I did there).

I wish to say upfront that, no, I am not pure. I’m a muggle, with my Mother a pure bred ranga and my Dad a measly brunette. However, even though I live a life of being able to get away with dying my hair brown, saying, “no it’s not red it’s just because of the sun”. I have chosen not to hide from my roots. In honour of your appointment, I have ceased all hair dying as of immediately.  I have put my hats on hiatus and my scrunchies are filed are “N” for Not Necessary.

I’m not looking for a handout, I wish to offer my services, pro bono, I like to think of it as a personal work for the dole scheme, tailored to your new Prime Ministership, Ms Gillard, I wish to “Work for the Moll”.

I have, in a voluntary capacity, appointed myself to the role of Federal Ministerial Advisor to yourself on all matters ranga. I want to help the red, so Australia can stay in the black. I want to get Australia Reddy. I like to think of you as Australia’s red Power Ranger, or Go Go Power Ranga!

I’m not asking for a private jet or a flag for the front of my car, but if you could give me this job (and post out my new Medicare card), I would be most excited to serve my nation in this manner.  I fully understand the title of Federal Ministerial Advisor, is just honorary, like “Dr” Oz or “Lady” Gaga.

Julia, you need me like Paris needs Nicole, like Oprah needs Gayle and other lesbian couples throughout history.  I know how to prepare you for the inevitable, a visit to a beach electorate and questions about GST exemptions on black hair dye and sunscreen.  Who’s going to put sunscreen on your back Julia? Who’s going to drive you to Mole Scan every 3 months, Wayne Swann? I don’t think so.

I can help you devise strong policy and answers to the media for each and every question about your hair. I present myself to you, your royal rangness. You and your hair are going to be in the spotlight, the limelight and most annoyingly the sunlight between the hours of 10 and 3.

I have much experience in volunteer management of rangas in the media, who do you think advised Lindsay Lohan to date chicks to get the focus off her hair? Me. Never before in our nations history has a ranga been more scrutinized, well maybe Ginny Weasly at the Harry Potter premiere. OMG! R u a fan? We’ll totez talk l8er.

Regardless, it’s now time to put redheads on the map. Name me five redheaded Newsreaders? You can’t can you? Name me five redheaded supermodels, no it’s not an oxymoron Julia.

Julia, I am the one to help you, I, better than anyone know what kind of ranga based hate campaigns the opposition is going to run. I hope you’re ready for Tony Abbott to demand that you sing your hit song  “Rabbit Heart, (Raise it Up) or asking you if you’re Prince Harry’s real Dad, or demanding you talk about what it was really like on the set of Will and Grace.  Or are you ready for members of the public calling you the member for Paleville? Asking why you don’t want to move in to the lodge, is it because you’re happier in Freckletown? Like me in highschool Julia, this is not going to be pretty.

Each week, I am offering to go Ranga on Ranga with you, at an indoor or late afternoon venue of your choice, find out your concerns and devise full policy advisory documents, for you and your team to utilise coming into the federal election.

I would appreciate a response at your nearest convenience.

Kind Regards,

The Hon. Mel Buttle