Mel's Blog

Wyatt Roy: Doogie Howser MP

September 3, 2010 | Comments closed

Paging passengers failed to board, Bob Katter, Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott. Passengers Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott, if you are in the terminal we urge you to make yourself known to either Tony or Julia. Australia, we apologise for the delay, we’ll be underway shortly, however, as we have these passengers political and emotional baggage onboard, for security reasons we will hold the flight for their arrival.

While we sit on the tarmac of political purgatory, my attention has turned to the treatment of one, Wyatt Roy. Wyatt is the 20-year-old coalition MP, who won the seat of Longman in Queensland.  Like a teacher on playground duty, I have spotted some bullying and I’m stepping in with my whistle and raffia hat to give Australia a warning. I’m putting my glasses on my nose; a hand on my hip, asking you to leave him alone and telling you go play somewhere else until the bell please.

If you’re looking for a more worthy politician to mock in your water cooler chats, talkback radio calls and facebook status, may I suggest you leave Wyatt, reading in the library where he’s doing no harm, and turn your attention to Bob Katter. Who’s stolen a hat from the Performing Arts costume cupboard, and has taped over the English department’s copy of Brokeback Mountain. Yes Wyatt is a shrimp, but my point is there are bigger fish to fry.

Hating on Wyatt, just because he’s young shows a lack of research, I need to see your working out please Australia. When you answered Question 4. Why do you dislike Wyatt Roy? Please explain in one tweet or less?  And you simply wrote, “cos he’s young”, that’s not good enough. D+, and you’re staying in after school to watch a video of Pauline Hanson’s maiden speech to parliament. Sit down. I don’t care if you have to get the bus home.

I’m not saying that Wyatt doesn’t look young; there are things he could do to reduce his youthful appearance, like stop using Olay Wyatt! It’s fighting the 7 signs of aging, and it’s not just fighting them, it’s launched a full-scale nuclear war on them, and taken your cheekbones hostage. Maybe get some glasses and a less Dennis the Menace inspired haircut. Tough love.

Wyatt has joined the growing list of young, blonde, baby faced, successful men, there was a gap in the line behind Josh Thomas and Justin Beiber and he slotted right in.

Don’t worry, I’m still the real slim shady, if Wyatt stuffs up I will be the first on his case, with zings and burns like, “Wyatt Roy is a political ultrasound, I’ve drunk wine older than that kid”. Or, “Has Wyatt Roy really been elected to parliament? Or is Josh Thomas doing a particularly long endgame on Talking ‘Bout Your Generation?”

I don’t like seeing people judged based only on their age, sex, religion, income or sexuality. So yes, me, a woman is writing a blog sticking up for a 20-year-old man, in a powerful white-collar job. Sorry feminism, but the rules are the rules. I can’t always be sticking up for bicurious unemployed ladies in wheelchairs with eczema.

So, like a mother at a talent show, I’m saying, give him a go please, come on Wyatt, show us your jazz number darling. Shut up and give him a bloody go you lot! Come on Wyatt, I’ll count you in love, 2, 3, 4, eyes and teeth Wyatt, yes, work the room poppet. Work the room!

Malcolm in The Middle

August 17, 2010 | Comments closed

If Julia is the smart girl, Tony is the jock, Latham is the jerk, then Malcolm Turnbull, is the Prom King. He’s hot like the jocks, smart like the nerds and sexy like the teachers.

It’s the eyes that get me, the George Clooney salt and pepper hair and hopefully record collection. Mal is a powerful, good-looking, older man. He’s a one stop shop for economically concerned women with Daddy issues.

Malcolm cares about the environment, he’s like Bob Brown with swagger, with an added dose of silver spoon and fox for good measure. He reminds me of a masculine Alexander Downer.

Malcolm has a very enviable list of scout badges and extra curricular activities. He’s an author, journalist, barrister, company chairman, Rhodes scholar. He’s basically the Ja’mie King of Liberal Party. If he has sponsor children I will eat my hat.

I would really love to hold his calls, file his documents and other office based euphemisms. Malcolm is so smart, so powerful, like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

I wish I lived in Wentworth, I would cherish my how to vote card. I’d tick the boxes however Malcolm wants. All in the hope of a cheeky wink or touch on the arm from Mr Turnbull. I would always call him Mr Turnbull, or sir. He would call me Miss Buttle.  It would be all kinds of hot.

I spent some time enjoying Mal’s website, however I have some questions and concerns.Malcolm, why don’t you have a calendar available for purchase? Like the fire-fighters do? I like crumpet and knowing what the date is. Why must you reduce me to downloading Google images, like a peasant? Also where is your merchandise for sale?I recommend you do a cover of Cher’s “Turn Back Time” maybe calling it “Turnbull Time”?

I wish I lived in Mal’s seat of Wentworth. I don’t, but I still want to help ole Don Draper out. I’ve created a list of potential campaign slogans, to support Malcolm;

Vote 1 Malcolm, he’ll make it (went) worth your while

Let’s put the (silver) fox in the henhouse

Stop the boats will you Labor? You won’t stop this dreamboat.

Equal Love, Mel and Mal

Get Mal-nourished Vote 1 Turnbull

No matter what happens on Election Day, Malcolm will still be my prom king. I hope Malcolm has a son about my age, so I can bump into him and ask, “So tell me, do you have an older father per chance?”

If you can find a hotter MP, I’ll beat it by 10%.

Barry Buttle’s Election Blog #shitmydadsays

August 16, 2010 | Comments closed

I decided it was time, to showcase a wider range of views on my election blog. I let my Dad, Barry Buttle, write a blog. I asked Dad to advise Australia who they should vote for.

*Disclaimer. This blog was genuinely written by my 60 year old, Vietnam Veteran father. This is a man who bathes in Homebrand bleach and who’s favourite food is mullet, buckle in Australia.

Get Real Vote Liberal! By Barry Buttle

Have you ever felt like you and only a few others can actually see what’s happening? Well that’s how a few of my mates and I feel. Basically, there are a few things to look for when deciding who to vote for.

(1) Can they handle money?

Imagine you give your missus $300 at the beginning of the week to buy groceries and pay the bills. At the end of the week you find she has spent the $300 and put another $500 on the credit card. Here is the best part, her excuse, for spending all the money “Oh times are tough and I thought you might lose your job, so I am spending to keep you employed”.

Then you decide to do a few alterations to the house, so you entrust the little lady with the task. You come home to find a tradie electrocuted in the ceiling, not only, did he not do the job correctly, but the missus has paid top price.

(2) Do they keep their word, and are they all tarred with the same brush?

Reminds me of before I was married and the future bride said, “Don’t worry I wont turn out like my mother.” So I took her on her word that no, she wouldn’t whack on 20kg. But low and behold two years into the marriage, and mother and daughter are mirror images of each other.

It is a bit like Labor saying “trust us we will bring down the price of groceries and fuel. No child will live in poverty, oh yes there will be tax cuts!”

What do Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard have in common I hear you ask?

Just imagine Anna is the mother and Julia is the daughter, you will get burnt. But hey, some people take longer to learn than others. I don’t know if Australia can afford for the rest of you to catch up and wake up, because we are going down the gurgler.

(3) When is Labor not Labor?

According to Labor, when it is a state government that has increased the price of everything that they can, and then they decide to sell what is left to pay off their massive debt.

Labor is not Labor when it has a new leader, we are supposed to forget all the bad stuff of the past three years and hang in for the promises of the next term. Yeah right!

“I will bake cakes for you every day when we are married!” Didn’t happen.

(4) Do you have any back stabbers as friends?

What principles do you live by? I have a few basic ones that have served me well. I don’t back stab, and I keep my word, what you see is what you get there is only one Barry, like him or lump him. I wont change to win your favor.

(5) Labor/Liberal – - – They are all the same

Ever wondered why the Union rep isn’t the CEO?…

And Finally – - -

(6) Greens. They are a cop out, really.

Don’t think you’re warm and fuzzy for voting greens. You’re not!

Do any of you read their policies?

Close off fishing areas and that magical carbon tax that will fix everything. How much are you willing to be taxed to stop using your car and electricity? I sit in the dark now with the heater off Thanks Anna Bligh.

The Lathinator

August 15, 2010 | Comments closed

Attention Mark Latham! Attention Mark Latham! All aboard the Dignity Express, come on, quick, hop on! Doors closing! Oh you missed it. Again…

In this race for Senior Class President, if Gillard is the smart girl and Abbott is the jock, then Latham is the jerk. He’s the guy who works out with only one dumbbell, chewing gum, peeping through the wall into the girl’s change room. He’s never invited to the party, but shows up, punches a nerd, snaps a trombone over his knee, sculls a beer, yells out “Go Cougars!” Does a burnout, then leaves. Mark Latham’s self-awareness hit a record high this week, putting him on par with the cast of Jersey Shore and some of the slower dogs from Border Security.

Dear Lathinator, I don’t mean to be a h8er, but you have pushed this shortys buttons and got me riled up well into the late stages of weave snatching mode.

Firstly, you interrupted war veterans, at an RSL. The only appropriate interruptions at an RSL are, regarding the winning of a meat tray or an announcement about leaving your lights on over the PA.

Interesting approach though, launching a “surprise attack” on a group of war veterans. As a general rule, they don’t typically respond well to being surprised. My Dad is a war veteran and this is the level of surprise he can tolerate, 1. My new haircut 2. Vegetarian lasagna 3. Mail.

Your “she touched me first” argument with regards to Julia Gillard is silly. I was like, oh please, what is this, the Canterbury Bulldogs annual trip? “She touched me”. Calm down Matty Johns.

Like you’re the master of keeping your hands in your own lap Mark. Leave Jules alone please, what are you filming Girl Interrupted the sequel? Get out of her grill.

All I’m asking for is a little more poise and decorum from you, two things that most show poodles can manage.

Mark, I know you want to be involved with the election, and if you want to do something useful this campaign, there’s lot of ALP and Coalition leaflets stuck in the bottom of my mum’s letterbox, maybe scrape them off? K? Thanks.

#TeamOakes

A Wish Called #Qanda

August 12, 2010 | Comments closed

Qanda is an ABC TV program; it’s like Behind The News for inner city types, who have time for opinions and vegetables. Qanda is short for Q and A. You’ve got to abbrev shit down these days to keep the kids interested. On Qanda, questions are asked by a studio audience, made up of women who’s lives are dedicated to ferret care, and young liberals in suits #balance

The audience’s questions are about current issues, and are answered by experts, politicians and Barnaby Joyce.

Throughout the program, much like Sale of The Century “home viewers” can participate in the show by tweeting their comments about the show, using the hashtag #qanda

These tweets are shown across the bottom of the TV screen, like when the lotto numbers used to flash up during Blue Heelers.

So Mel you spend you Monday night’s watching a show about politics and commenting about it on the Internet? Yeah! That’s when I’m not busy writing fan letters to Belinda Carlisle and being allergic to things.  #thuglife

Twitter has revolutionized the way we engage with TV. When I was a teenager, getting involved with TV programs was limited to the following options, writing into the Burkes Backyard Mailbag for a fact sheet, Plucking a Duck on Hey Hey or saying “Higher Larry” for a chance to play for the mega showcase.

These days anyone with the Internet can be involved in Qanda. But whose tweets get the glamour of being on the screen? How are they chosen? And most importantly, why have none of mine ever been selected? #firstworldproblems

Come on ABC, let’s give Mel a little back. I’m very loyal to the ABC. As my good luck, pre show song, I sing the theme from “Round The Twist”. I saw more of Degrassi High, than the actual school I attended. Even though I live in a townhouse, I still watch Landline. I stay up to watch Lateline, I always tune in for Stateline, and not once, have I ever written a complaint letter telling you that too many of your shows end in “line”. #justsayin

All I ask is for one tweet on the screen during Qanda. Please? Why am I always on the bench coach? I want to play Varsity Qanda. Put me in the game. What’s wrong with me? Is it like Sir Mixalot says, and your Ana-Qanda don’t wont none unless I’ve got puns hun?

I’ve decided it’s time to play hardball and appeal to the ABC’s desire to showcase a fair balance of gender, sexuality, opinions, positive messages about the ABC and race when screening their tweets.

1. ABC Subliminal Cross Promotional Tweets “Climate change, that’s not what Peter Cundall said, I want to be able to Garden this Australia, with my kids, this is like Simon and Maggie, one is an expert and the other a woman who fluffs around”. #qanda

2. Feign Ethnicity “Abbott doesn’t understand refugees, we don’t come here first class on the Fair Star” #qanda

3. Pretend to be a gay ethnic “ I came to this country with nothing, now I have a Celine Dion impersonator business. Abbott should’ve been on the real Titanic”. #qanda

4.  “I’m not racist but, I’ve got a citrus tree with a fungus, hello is this Tony Delroy? Why is that redheaded woman answering all this questions? I’ve been ringing in for hours worst late night quiz ever, Beryl from Orange.” #qanda #thequiz

5. Have a twitter name that is supportive of the ABC  “Joe Hockey, even if your government was elected, you’d still be the shadow treasurer, maybe join Tony for a bike ride?” @LoveToSpreadMyBreadWithSongsofPrayonaise #qanda

6. Get a twitter name that is negative to ABC’s rivals “Climate Change, more like Climate Strange”  @IfIWantedToWatchSoccerIwouldHaveKids @RatherPashLathamThanWatch9 @LawAndOrderMoreLikeBoreAndBoreder @TheDogsOnBorderSecurityAreMoreEngagingThanKochie #qanda

7. Flirt with the Qanda tweet staff, “I’m offering T and A in exchange for some Q and A” #qanda

“If your Q is, can you put it in my A, we’ll see” #qanda

So as you can see I’ve put a solid 4mins into thinking about this. However, I think it’s really important that the ABC start showing some interest in my tweets and stop behaving like an absent father.

Or else, before you know it, I’ll be grinding on a pole, telling men that I’m working my way through “law school”. And guess what, “law school”, will be my nickname for a pile of crack…

Crossing over with Julie Bishop: The Mel Buttle Interview

July 30, 2010 | Comments closed

It’s my goal to interview Julie Bishop and get to know her on behalf of Australia.  Unfortunately for Julie, the other media outlets only want to talk about her eyes. However I’m different, I want to get to know the real Julie. Did you guys know she is a Harvard graduate and an ex barrister? Julie Bishop is a Chihuahua and a pink suit away from being Australia’s Legally Blonde. I want to get to know this lady, after all she might become our next Senior Class Vice President.

I know what you’re thinking but Mel, isn’t she that lady with the crazy eyes? Yes. Why do you want to interview her? I take your point, but I think there’s more to Julie than just her eyes, and to be honest with you, I think that is pretty low, just talking about if she wants to lower the cost of optometry services.

Julie, if I’m allowed to interview you I promise I won’t even mention your eyes.  You have my word.  Even though it would be very tempting to just make cheap jokes. I won’t. I won’t even say mean things, like, I could get lost in your eyes,  yeah, the same way I get lost in Ikea, let me out! Or, your eyes must be sponsored by John Edwards, because they are crossing over. I will keep these thoughts to myself. I promise.

Julie, as a matter of national importance please answer the following questions.

Mel: Julie, is it true if people stare deep into your eyes, they can see into the future and it’s wearing a white pants suit?

Julie:

Mel:  Some say that your eyes follow them around the room, and you’re a robot with cameras for eyes, streaming live to John Howard’s bunker underneath his tracksuit manufacturing plant? Discuss.

Julie:

Mel: Is it true that Joe Hockey told you it’s international pirate week and that truly cool people wear two eye patches?

Julie:

Mel: What made you give up hypnosis for politics?

Julie:

Mel: How would you feel about Jamster making a mobile download of your eyes that glow green when you vote Labor?

Julie:

Mel: Have you hung out in primary schools to practise your  “put the scissors down Jayden” death stare?

Julie:

Mel: Julie, can you promise Australia that you and Tony Abbott, will never go to the same hospital, at the same time, to get your respective face imperfections fixed, because the cost to the health system would bring down Medicare?  Give Australia a guarantee on this please.

Julie:

Mel : Is your favourite cartoon Blinky Bill?

Julie:

Mel: In parliament, when they’re voting on a new law, and they say all in favour? The ayes have it, do you flinch a little bit?

Julie:

Mel: So do you wear an eye shield on all flights, for the comfort and safety of other passengers?

Julie:

Mel: Do a lot of people try out their De Niro “Taxi” impression on you?

Julie:

Mel: When you ask your secretary to do something, does she say Eye, eye captain!

Julie:

Mel: Is your favourite member of the hit girl group TLC, left eye?

Julie:

Mel: Do you like this rap I made up about you, it’s a cover of Ice Ice Baby? “Eyes Eyes Baby, Alright stop, collaborate and twist in, Julies’ back with her brand new vision.”

Julie:

Mel: Did you watch a lot of TV as a child?

Julie:

Mel: Carrots much?

Julie:

Mel: Are you worried people are going to deface your election placards by drawing your eyes on straight?

Julie:

Mel: Do you have a peep hole in your front door? Can you look through it with both eyes at once?

Julie:

Mel: Do you sometimes let potatoes go rotten just so you can have something in your house with normal eyes on it?

Julie:

Mel: Can you put mascara on both eyes at once?

Julie:

Mel: How many fingers am I holding up?

Julie:

Mel: Thanks for your time.

Gay Marriage Always The Bridesmaid, never the Bride.

July 28, 2010 | Comments closed

This election gay marriage isn’t on the table, or on the cards,  but it is in an envelope which is being pushed a little bit, but not to the levels of pushing called for by gays, or by Salt ‘N Pepa in their hit song “Push it”.  I’m going to follow the direction of Salt ‘N Pepa and push it real good.

I’m pro gay marriage, let me clear something up, I am not gay.  Don’t let my Dunlop volleys and softball trophies fool you. I am a very proud heterosexual lady who just wants to see her gay friends have the same right to marriage as I do.  I can’t wait til I meet Mr Wrong, marry him because I am desperate to get out of home and because I want a fondue set. I don’t want to deny gays the right to slow dance to Whitney Houston in front of their Uncle Terry. I think everyone should be allowed to have a relationship altering fight over a cake.

Why can’t we just let the gays get married? What’s the worst that will happen? I know one thing, if lesbians are allowed to marry, manufacturers of white pant suits will be the busiest they’ve been since White Lady Funerals opened for business.

Penny Wong is gay, and toes the party line in disagreement with gay marriage.  Maybe you just haven’t met the right lady yet Penny? What about Ruby Rose? She seems nice? I think Penny Wong needs better reasons for not liking gay marriage other than, because Labor says so. Don’t worry Penny, Kate Ellis will take you shopping and get you something nice to wear. Are you comfortable in pants?  I’m sure we could find some nice white Homey Ped shoes for the big day too. It’ll be fun! Yes Penny makeup is optional. Yes Penny, I’ll book the Eastern Districts Indoor Cricket Club for the reception.  Yes Penny I’ll ask Liz Ellis to MC it for you.

Ladies, let’s face it, all the good ones are gay or married anyway, why don’t we let the good ones be gay AND married? They don’t want to bang us anyway. Think about it, happier flight attendants, less bitchy clothing store workers and by allowing gay marriage, it doubles your likelihood of getting to be head bridesmaid. Everyone wins!

I am a renegade. Sometimes I take 13 items in the 12 items or less aisle and sometimes I think it would be nice for gays to be able to marry. What? I know! I’m out of control. I want the gays to have rights, like they have their coffee, just equal please.

Word on the Tweet

July 28, 2010 | Comments closed

This election I, Mel Buttle will be providing full coverage of all the important issues affecting the nation. At the top of my list is MP’s on Twitter, who brings the lolz and who should Australia unfollow? OMG r u guyz for realz,  lyk wat iz the deal with sum of da pollies on Twitter? I h8 to b a h8er but sum of them are totez lame.  Or for anyone over 35, what is the current situation with politicians using Twitter? I don’t like to be negative, but some MP’s are not very good at using this electronic medium.

I am more than qualified to provide this kind of high level election coverage, as I have been elected into positions of power in the past, I was form vice captain in year 11. I’m pretty experienced, lamington drives don’t organise themselves people. Australia, think of me as your lady Laurie Oakes, I love Laurie Oakes. I like how he wears ironic vintage spectacles. You’re so indie Laurie!  Text me ok? Let’s get a Boost Juice sometime? And Laurie, we’re just friends, I don’t want to All Berry Bang, you.

The Internet is not just for buying Alf memorabilia on ebay. It’s for keeping up with election developments.  Is Tony Abbott shooting a nutrigrain commercial? Has Penny Wong got a number 2 undercut yet? Have a look on Twitter.  Thanks internet I will.  All the political parties, are on twitter, Labor, Liberal and even the Greens. The solar powered generator the Greens use to run Twitter from their headquarters (tree house) has been working overtime. Sorry for burning you Greens.  But it’s a good zing, and in honour of your philosophy. I’ll probably recycle it.

More than previous years, this is an e-lection, you don’t want to be sleepless in Seattle and MP’s you don’t want to be tweetless in the battle. The soapbox is now the inbox. Get on Twitter please pollies. I can’t retweet the magnetic fridge calendars you post out can I? Help me, help you Jerry.  Twitter is the future, like credit cards with chips, postal campaigns are so 2001, like chips and aioli. So get the chip off your shoulder and start tweeting. Twitter is now. Door knocking is more old fashioned than my grandma saying “Who’s that Negro singing on the wireless?”

Some politicians are already using twitter for campaigning, sending out key messages like this:

“@joehockey First night home in 9 days and I sleep in the Thomas the Tank engine bed. Real life!!”

Whatever you and your wife are into Joe none of my business. The shadow treasurer everyone, full steam ahead, next stop on the campaign trail sleepytown. Get out of bed and drop some zings on the net yo. Unless you want your next job to be treasurer for Captain Snooze, I would start bringing the heat on twitter.

I tweeted at Joe, or as I call it a Tweet and Greet.

“@JoeHockey Good speech today Joe. You looked nice in the black suit, little bit Tony Soprano but still very nice”

For me Joe Hockey is Tony Soprano, he really puts the shadow back in shadow treasurer. He’s always talking about small business. See what I’m saying? Joe didn’t reply to me… Totez devo FML! I tweet and I vote Joe Hockey.  Don’t forget the little people Joe, which proportionality to you Joe, is just about everyone.

So I got down lower, and commenced making a scraping action across the lowest area of the barrel. I tweeted at Tony Abbott. Judge not lest ye be bored one day.

“@TonyAbbottMHR Your campaign slogan Stand Up For Real Action abbreviates to SUFRA. Are you going to make Labor Sufra in their jocks?”

Surprisingly no reply, to that eloquent tweet. Seems someone is too busy to reply to Mel Buttle. All these men not replying to me, reminds me of my online dating days.  Dear Tony and Joe, pls reply to me k? I wld luv it thnx Lol!

So I thought perhaps the women of parliament might have better manners and might reply to me. So I tweeted at Kate Ellis.  Kate is basically every man’s dream, she is a smoking hottie with a great job, she’s the sports minister. The only way she could become more of a perfect woman would be to become the Minister for Home Brew and Playstation.

And I’m pleased to say Kate replied to me, TWICE! Kate Ellis is like a stamped, self addressed envelope, you know she’s going to come back to you.

She tweets things like “@kateellismp “Great win for the Aussie women’s cricket team in the ICC Women’s World Twenty20 – beat NZ by 3 runs. “

She  tweets a lot of sport, she’s basically a hot Sharon Strezlecki from Kath and Kim. I’m kind of waiting for her to lower the taxes on Tia Maria and Footy Franks.

Twitter I say, Lets keep the bastards on it!

Sufra in Your Jocks, MoFo

July 20, 2010 | Comments closed

It’s slogan o’clock everyone! And The Mel Buttle election coverage continues full steam ahead. I’m going to cover this election like Gladwrap, and put it in the fridge to keep it nice.

I’m pleased to report that both Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard have come up with their Senior Class President Campaign slogans. I love a good slogan, or in the case of this election, I love a slogan.  I must admit, I was hoping for better slogans but I guess shit happens…

For his slogan Tony Abbott, has selected, “Stand Up For Real Action”.  I stood up for real action once, to be honest I prefer it lying down. Oh snap! In unfortunate news, Stand Up For Real Action is abbreviated to SUFRA. Use it in a sentence? Ok. Sufra. “Tony Abbott is a sufra of macrotia” (look it up ).

Even though SUFRA isn’t the most pleasant acronym perhaps it might be the most appropriate for Tony Abbott, as both the surf club photo album and the polls will attest to, Tony Abbott is sufra-ing in his jocks. On the upside, I guess for Julia Gillard, Magic Happens.

For her campaign slogan, Julia Gillard has selected, “Moving Forward“. “Moving Forward” to Julia, is what “It’s time to go…” was for Gretel Killeen.  Julia has put “Moving Forward” on high rotation at 97.8 Gillard FM. If “Moving Forward” was the title of Justin Bieber’s new song, played by a Lol Cat, feat. Susan Boyle, the Internet would totez break.  “Moving Forward”, or in its more hood form, a J.Lo style abbreviation is MoFo. Which, when given a street cred rating, is somewhere between, hoodies and Lady Sovereign’s pony tail. Not bad Julia. Not bad at all.

To those not following my election coverage, Sufra in your Jocks, Mofo’s.

Election 2010: The Jock vs The Smart Girl: The Race for Senior Class President

July 17, 2010 | Comments closed

Hello Australia. My name is Mel Buttle and I’m pleased to announce that I will be providing full election coverage. I know what you’re thinking, but Mel, what do you know about politics? You’re just a super hot bitch, with killer hair and chronic asthma. Thanks.

I’m more than qualified to cover this election; I was Form Vice Captain in Yr 11. What’s that Laurie Oakes? You’ve never organised an inter-house choral competition, and you want to advise Australia on their election choices? I don’t think so tiger.

I plan to cover this election the same way I deal with my eczema. I will relentlessly scratch below the surface, until it weeps and mum says, “Stop scratching Melinda, it makes you look like a junkie”.

We have an important choice to make, who will be our next Senior Class president. Will you choose The Jock, who’s always exercising and making lame comments about girls or The Smart Girl, who uses big words and doesn’t do her hair?

You may think this election has left you with a choice between a cock and a tard face. However, are they both capable? Yes. Do they both need makeovers from the Cheer Squad? Yes?

Here is a basic summary of the candidates to get you started. Ladies, the Jock wants to make sure there is only ever one in your box, and likewise on Election Day, he would like you to put a 1 in his box.  If the only sausage you’ve ever had is from Bunnings, then maybe The Jock is for you. And gentlemen, the Smart Girl wants your support, she’s offering 50% off school uniforms, however she is yet to comment on French maid and nurses outfits.  Oh snap!

You could read the newspaper to find out about the race for senior class president. Or, you could make a graph about your likelihood of getting laid, with “Never” on the X axis and “When hell freezes over” the Y axis.  Or, you could be cool, and get all your election news here.

Don’t be doubly dissolutioned by the election, my comprehensive coverage will help you to filter the election promises from the pinky swears, the pork barrelling the porkable and the policies from the pep rally.

If you’re undecided or a swinger, work it out already what are you Ann Heche? However if it’s election coverage you’re after you’ve found it.

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