Wyatt Roy: Doogie Howser MP

Paging passengers failed to board, Bob Katter, Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott. Passengers Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott, if you are in the terminal we urge you to make yourself known to either Tony or Julia. Australia, we apologise for the delay, we’ll be underway shortly, however, as we have these passengers political and emotional baggage onboard, for security reasons we will hold the flight for their arrival.

While we sit on the tarmac of political purgatory, my attention has turned to the treatment of one, Wyatt Roy. Wyatt is the 20-year-old coalition MP, who won the seat of Longman in Queensland.  Like a teacher on playground duty, I have spotted some bullying and I’m stepping in with my whistle and raffia hat to give Australia a warning. I’m putting my glasses on my nose; a hand on my hip, asking you to leave him alone and telling you go play somewhere else until the bell please.

If you’re looking for a more worthy politician to mock in your water cooler chats, talkback radio calls and facebook status, may I suggest you leave Wyatt, reading in the library where he’s doing no harm, and turn your attention to Bob Katter. Who’s stolen a hat from the Performing Arts costume cupboard, and has taped over the English department’s copy of Brokeback Mountain. Yes Wyatt is a shrimp, but my point is there are bigger fish to fry.

Hating on Wyatt, just because he’s young shows a lack of research, I need to see your working out please Australia. When you answered Question 4. Why do you dislike Wyatt Roy? Please explain in one tweet or less?  And you simply wrote, “cos he’s young”, that’s not good enough. D+, and you’re staying in after school to watch a video of Pauline Hanson’s maiden speech to parliament. Sit down. I don’t care if you have to get the bus home.

I’m not saying that Wyatt doesn’t look young; there are things he could do to reduce his youthful appearance, like stop using Olay Wyatt! It’s fighting the 7 signs of aging, and it’s not just fighting them, it’s launched a full-scale nuclear war on them, and taken your cheekbones hostage. Maybe get some glasses and a less Dennis the Menace inspired haircut. Tough love.

Wyatt has joined the growing list of young, blonde, baby faced, successful men, there was a gap in the line behind Josh Thomas and Justin Beiber and he slotted right in.

Don’t worry, I’m still the real slim shady, if Wyatt stuffs up I will be the first on his case, with zings and burns like, “Wyatt Roy is a political ultrasound, I’ve drunk wine older than that kid”. Or, “Has Wyatt Roy really been elected to parliament? Or is Josh Thomas doing a particularly long endgame on Talking ‘Bout Your Generation?”

I don’t like seeing people judged based only on their age, sex, religion, income or sexuality. So yes, me, a woman is writing a blog sticking up for a 20-year-old man, in a powerful white-collar job. Sorry feminism, but the rules are the rules. I can’t always be sticking up for bicurious unemployed ladies in wheelchairs with eczema.

So, like a mother at a talent show, I’m saying, give him a go please, come on Wyatt, show us your jazz number darling. Shut up and give him a bloody go you lot! Come on Wyatt, I’ll count you in love, 2, 3, 4, eyes and teeth Wyatt, yes, work the room poppet. Work the room!