Photo: Triple J
Dear Tom Ballard,
Leaving are you? Or are you just going out to a get a ‘carton of milk’ and you’ll be back when I’m 26? What else do you have on that’s more important than this job? Does Warnambool need their tallest resident back that badly? This is the thanks the nation gets for their loyalty? You walking out on us when we’re only a few years old, thanks Tom or should I say, ‘mum’s new boyfriend’.
Leaving are you? Well good luck with that, good luck finding a new job, where you get have all your work done by 9am, sorry Tom but the government isn’t hiring at the moment.
Are you leaving because of stress? Was working 6am til 9am taking it’s toll? 3 hours a day isn’t a job champ, that’s a long yoga class.
Needed to cut back on work hey Tom? The other 21 hours a day you have free weren’t enough for you to engage in your hobbies of attempting vegetarianism and getting intense haircuts?
Obviously you’ve got a bee in your bonnet about something at work? What is it? When triple j threw you a 21st was there not enough kabana and cheese? Hmmm?
Quit your day job did you? Bet you’re glad you did 6 weeks of law school what about finishing that off? And giving your mum something to put on her mantelpiece other than your scabies flakes?
How you are going to fill your days now? Writing comedy. Hey here’s a joke for you, what’s paper and has nothing in it? Your diary Tom Ballard!
So you won an ARIA and now you’re quitting? Who are you Peter Andre?
Don’t leave Tom, I don’t have any other friends high up in media organizations, why throw away two careers, I can’t really ride your coattails, if you’re just at home eating chips off your chest hair.
I want to help you Tom, so I’ve created a list of other career options based on your intelligence, creativity, humour and life skills, for you, sperm donor, end of list.
I’m worried Tom, what are you going to do? There’s not a lot of other jobs that pay you play songs and eat hot pies unless you’re looking into being an RSL DJ, in which case, hook a sister up yo!
So Tom, on behalf of your parents who’ll now have to loan you the money for your cool t shirts, have you thought about staying? I urge you to rip up your resignation Tom, say it was a big prank for ratings.
Will you stay Tom?
I expect a written reply by close of business Friday
As heard on Tom and Alex on Triple J